Stephen J. Kroos · Klots (Original Mix)

neppaterretrappen

Dear Boss Emersen,

I apologize. I have not contacted you in seven years. I am only able to reach you today through my PC email because of an interdimensional rift that I found leading to my own bedroom. I was afloat in a void. No, that is not a metaphor. I know you think I am insane, but I am only trapped in this situation because I have found others to be insane, dismissing them simply because I disagreed with their assertions. I tell you the tale of the Nepparterretrappen - the fake stairways to the ground floor. I was betrayed by a dear friend they called 08, an apartment building where I was born and hoped to live as long as my heart beat. The building raised me and sheltered me in the place of my largely absent parents who were always off doing God knows what - it taught me about love (I had a crush on the kid next door), it taught me caution (wasps everywhere), but most of all, it taught me friendship. I have become well acquainted with 08's every nook and cranny, its every sinking cobweb, its every leaky crack in the building's wall. Never did it hide any secrets from me. We trusted one another..

All of that changed within, like, twelve hours.

I was getting groceries in The Seven Hundred and Eleven, a store three doors down from my apartment. When I gave the cashier my well-wishes and stepped out of the sliding doors, I noticed today was an odd day. Not better or worse, just weird. The sun, which usually casted a mild warm glow upon the city, was now cheerily - scorchingly - bright. As I walked down the street I felt an oppressive, almost sadistic, heat, quite unusual for our northern town. It was weird, but I didn't think it should worry me. On the doorstep of my apartment building, my neighbor Khadija grabbed my arm.

"Shh! Listen," Khadija whispered, sounding alarmed. Her curly hair seemed to stand on its end. Talk about adrenaline. I was about to say something, but she aggressively covered my mouth with her hand. "No, no, no, no, no! Don't let them hear you!" Her whisper-voice crescendoed a bit. She seemed to realize this and winced. "Only use the elevator in case of emergency," she proceeded, more quietly this time, "and do not use the stairs."

Khadija was one of the more cautious, rational inhabitants of 08, so if she was concerned, there must have been a good reason.

"What's wrong with the stairs? And who is 'them?'" I inquired, genuinely worried and wanting to know more.

"The Stairs are a lie!" Khadija whisper-yelled, rocking me back and forth by yanking my arm. "And ‘them' are the gremlins inhabiting the building. Their hearing is impeccable, and they will throw you down the Stairs if you investigate them, so I request that you do not question me further or look into this situation yourself."

I take back what I said about Khadija being rational.

"Khadija, are you drunk?"

"No."

"Stoned?"

"No."

"Bewitched?"

"Stop it," she said, putting a finger over my lips, "and please heed my warning." I typically would. However, I found her claims of these nefarious gremlins living in 08 to be patently absurd. How could the building in which I lived my entire life be home to strange, mischievous creatures - and fantastically strange and mischievous creatures at that?

"Good day," I said bluntly, shaking her off. She nearly fell onto the sidewalk, but she managed to balance herself. I marched into the building and to the elevator, leaving her behind. Actually, before the doors to the building shut completely, I took one last glance at her, just to check on her and see if she lapsed into a psychotic break or something like that. She seemed normal - she was standing upright and watching me like a normal person - but her face was filled with fear for me. I couldn't care less. 08 would never fool me, and there was no reason that she knew something about this building that I didn't.

I felt particularly proud that evening. While doing the dishes, I laughed about Khadija to myself. When writing more emails to my work-colleagues telling them that they were stupid and needed to get their heads checked, I entertained myself by pretending I was addressing Khadija. When I turned on the TV, Gremlins was on. Strange coincidence indeed, but it was scoff-a-ble. As I was preparing to go to bed, I was struck with a grand idea: I would take a tour around the building, just to spite Khadija, and tell her in the morning how paranoid and foolish she was. Pajamas and nightcap and all, I snuck out of my apartment, on the way to the stairwell. The door behind me moaned eerily as I shut it, like a ghost in a horror movie warning of danger. It was odd - there was nothing particularly wrong with my door as far as I knew - but I tried not to let it get to me. I couldn't let anything stop me.

The hallway was dark. Spooky dark. I've ventured these halls past the 1 AM-mark in the past, but I never felt the sense of apprehension that I felt tonight. Why was I scared? I knew there was nothing to be afraid of, because I've known that my entire life.

Finally, I approached the door. The plaque on it was normal - ground floor stairwell, it read, as per usual - but the door itself was not. Etched in the door's wood was the phrase NEPPATERRETRAPPEN - FAKE STAIRWAYS TO THE GROUND FLOOR in meticulous, arabesque cursive lettering. Perhaps I simply hadn't noticed it in the past; there was no way that it didn't exist until today. I reached for the handle, but to my surprise, the door creaked open by itself. I opened the door further. The stairwell to the ground floor was shrouded in darkness as I expected, but a small lever on the left wall - had that even been there before? - emitted a faint glow. Then, I heard a squeaking noise and felt something weigh down on my head. I looked up, and there it was - a furby-like creature standing on top of my night-cap, looking down at my face. It hopped to the floor, landing with a plop on the top step. It had a cigarette hanging out of its mouth like some suave bad guy in a movie.

The gremlin cackled. "You gullible, gullible human. You thought you knew this place, so we were able to take advantage of your ignorance." What a terrible creature! Out of anger, I attempted to step on the gremlin, but I tripped and fell to the bottom of the stairs. The brick walls closed together, and the room became as narrow as the stairwell itself. I had absolutely nowhere to go. Desperate, I attempted to punch through the wall, but it didn't even budge - as expected, of course. But the reality was, I didn't even know what to expect anymore.

"You got me," I confessed. "I totally fell for it." The gremlin lit its cigarette. "That's just business, partner," it said with a hearty chuckle, "so fall again - literally!"

I heard the lever emit a sharp, metallic creak.

The bottom step gave way to a giant rift, and I plunged into the darkness of space - an emptiness I only saw occasionally interrupted by a flying piece of furniture or an old lady on a rocking chair. Nepparterretrappen was the end of my love for 08, and I regret feeling as founded in my knowledge of my own home as I was. Perhaps I should have been wary of what I trusted - and lay aside my arrogance when Khadija knew what I knew not.

Ah, and I still have the paperwork that you assigned to get done. Let me know if you need me to do anything else to compensate for my absence.

Sincerely, Dougie "Dawg Ma" Tizme